Stupid Is As Stupid Does
By Allen Snyder
Since November, Christian fundamentalists have been flourishing their
alleged popular mandate for taking America back to the days of forced
prayer, heresy laws, and witch hunts. The media trumpets to High Heaven
that it was good Christian folk with solid ‘moral values’ who put the
born-again Chimpster back in office. Now the fundies are aggressively
pushing their retro agenda on rabidly approving Republican toadies and meek
The ink wasn’t even dry on the grift checks before fundies were everywhere
screeching about the Pledge, the Ten Commandments, evolution, Intelligent
Design, gays, Christmas, and the horrible oppression they suffer at the
hands of secular liberals and other assorted communist sympathizers (gag!).
Their sick goal, of course, is nothing short of a medieval Christian America
with their highly perverted version of the Jesus myth explicitly codified
right into the fabric of America’s legal, political, educational, and
Till then, they insist, we’re not supposed to call them ‘stupid’.
They won, so they’re not stupid.
The President’s one of them; they’re not stupid.
They’ve got ‘moral values’; not stupid.
They clinched the election. Stupid? Not.
If stupid is as stupid does, then if they’re as stupid as I, oh so
politically incorrectly, think they are, then they should have given
themselves away in spades by now, leaving behind legions of reality-based
disbelieving head-scratchers like me.
Check it out.
The Creationism/Evolution ‘Debate’
Considering we’re the only country in the world who wastes so much oxygen on
this issue and that any serious scientist without a faith-based funda-botomy
has been firmly on the side of evolution for decades, this one doesn’t look
good for the righties. Despite their clever transition from IC (Insane
Creationism: that’s the ol’ ‘the Earth is 6,000 years old’ crap)
(Intelligent Design: that’s the ‘the human eye is so wonderful and
it couldn’t develop randomly’ crap), they still don’t see the basic fact
that Creationism is light years from being science and evolution is
infinitely more than the mere speculative theory they try to denigrate it
as. I suppose this makes sense given that the collective scientific
ignorance of both messenger and recipient are off the charts.
There are places specifically designed to talk about science; they’re called
schools. And, there are places designed specifically to talk about
creationism; they’re called churches. Nevertheless, public schools in
Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Georgia and no doubt Kansas have either added ID
creationism to the science curriculum or stickered science textbooks with an
evolution disclaimer (remember, kiddies, it’s just a theory).
Don’t these people remember why Kansas backtracked on this last time around?
It was ‘cause they didn’t want everyone to think they were stupid.
Guess nobody cares this year, eh?
Homosexuality and Gay Marriage
Only if homosexuality is a conscious life choice (i.e., a function of free
will) can anyone call it ‘sinful’ (the bogus root of the term
notwithstanding). We are only held morally responsible for the choices we
freely make. That’s why no one thinks it’s immoral to be black or have
brown eyes – these are beyond our control (there are those that do, but
they’re stupider than stupid).
Here’s what’s so stratospherically retarded about the fundie line of
argument. If homosexuality is a choice, then it must be that
heterosexuality is a choice, too. But just like I have never met a gay
person who ever decided to be gay, I never met a straight person who ever
decided to be straight.
I guess what the fundies must mean is that we’re all born heterosexual by
the grace of God. We all come out of the box as good normal heterosexuals.
That’s why gays have to choose and straights don’t – gays choose to act
against their divinely predetermined sexuality. That’s what makes them
hell-bound sinners, they’ve dissed God.
As for the marriage part, is it just coincidence that the part of the
country that hems and haws the loudest and most about marriage, abortion,
and abstinence is the same part that leads the nation in divorces,
abortions, teen pregnancy, and unmarried sex?
Hmm. Can you say ignorance, repression, and denial? How ‘bout
knew you could.
The ‘Pro-Life’ View
As long as you’re NOT an Iraqi civilian, a US child living in poverty sans
health care, a needy military vet, a victim of African genocide, an AIDS
case, a non-human life form, a drug addict, pregnant and single, or a
Democratic Congressman, then, yeah, they’re all sortsa pro-life.
And if you happen to be a microscopic globule of fertilized (doesn’t matter
how) human genetic material, a defense contractor, a tax cut, a Bush
loyalist, or Osama bin-Laden, then they’re REALLY pro-life.
The hypocrisy of their pro-life posturing is in keeping with the whole
‘we’re Christians!’, ‘we’re conservatives’ and ‘we’re
But of course, they’re not Christians (would Jesus really drop illegal
cluster bombs and use illegal napalm on children?), they’re not
conservatives (would conservatives spend wildly and run up massive
deficits?) and they’re not compassionate (does compassion involve turning a
blind eye to others’ suffering?).
That they’re oblivious to all of it while they’re used as political pawns
and lotsa people die?
We have a word for that: Fucking Stupid. Ok, that’s two words.
Right-wing stupidity is so pervasive and widespread, this article can’t come
close to plumbing its depths. Nevertheless, there is something you can do.
When you see the so-called red-staters driving their ‘W’ adorned SUVs around
with their Christian ‘truth’ fish gobbling up Darwin fish, their ‘marriage
one man and one woman’ bumper stickers, and their anti-choice license
plates, don’t get angry – pity them.
They’ve proved and seem proud of the fact that they are indeed the stupidest
people on Earth – they oughta be treated as such.
Allen Snyder can be reached at [email protected]