Once upon a time, God made Man and gave him a free will, but Man’s body decided it still needed someone to be the boss.
Naturally, the brain wanted to be boss, because it was the smartest. The stomach disagreed, arguing that it was the source of all the body’s nourishment and, hence, it should be boss. Then the mouth objected loudly, stating that without it the brain would have nothing to say and the stomach would not receive any food. So the boss should always be a mouth.
Not so, said the legs, claiming that no one would ever get anywhere without them. They should be boss. The eyes, thinking they had it, argued that the legs wouldn’t be able to see where they were going without the eyes and instead the eyes should be boss.
They argued and bickered incessantly until the a-h0le spoke up. It wanted to be boss. The others all laughed uncontrollably at such an absurd idea and the hands threw themselves up in desperation. This made the a-h0le furious and it shut itself off.
The brain became headachy, the stomach queasy and the mouth simply groaned afraid to open up. The legs became wobbly and the eyes watery. Soon they had all had enough and they agreed to allow the a-h0le to be boss.
The a-h0le celebrated its victory with great relief and issued its first asinine proclamation: You don’t have to be a brain to be boss, just an a-h0le and pass out a lot of $hit.
Well, things went as regular as clockwork until the Party of the Left Cheek formed in opposition to the Party of the Right Cheek, each vying for control of the a-h0le. They fought and bickered cheek to cheek, resisting all efforts by the hands to separate them, until distinguishing any differences between them amounted to splitting hairs.
The moral of the story is that whether it’s from the right or the left, we still get nothing but $hit.