General Laws
-Nothing is as easy as it looks.
-Everything takes longer than you think.
-Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
-If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the -most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
-If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
-If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go
wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
-Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
-Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
-Mother nature is a bitch.
-It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
-Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
-Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy's Law of Research
-Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's Law of Copiers
-The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
Murphy's Law of the Open Road:
-When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
-Things get worse under pressure.
The Murphy Philosophy
-Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws
-Everything goes wrong all at once.
Murphy's Constant
-Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
Murphy's Corollaries
-Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
-It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Law of the Perversity of Nature (Mrs. Murphy's Corollary):
-You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Murphy's Military Laws
-Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
-No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
-Friendly fire ain't.
-The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
-The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
-The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody
else to shoot at.
-The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your
artillery will shoot short.
-Incoming fire has the right of way.
-If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
-The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
-If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
-The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
-The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
-There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and -
miss.
-Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone,
it draws sergeants.
-If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Murphy's Technology Laws
-You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
-Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
-Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers -
something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
-Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
-If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first
woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
-The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental
solvency of the firm.
-The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
-An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows -absolutely everything about nothing.
-Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell
him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
-All great discoveries are made by mistake.
-Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
-Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
-All's well that ends.
-A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
-The first myth of management is that it exists.
-A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
-New systems generate new problems.
-To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
-We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
-Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
-Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20
years make.
-The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
-Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's -
work.
-Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the
book or even what book.
-The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the
fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
-To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and
cost the most.
-After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
-Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
-A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple
system that works.
-If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
-Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system
which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
-Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl
Harbor File."
-Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature,
volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
-If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
-The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition
already has the order.
-In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at
8:15 a.m. on Monday.
-Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
-All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
-The only perfect science is hind-sight.
-Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
-If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
-If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-When all else fails, read the instructions.
-If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the
most damage will be the one to go wrong.
-Everything that goes up must come down.
-Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
-Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
-Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
-The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of -management.
Murphy's Love Laws
-All the good ones are taken.
-If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)
-The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
-Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
-The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much
you love them.
-Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
-The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
-Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
-Nice guys(girls) finish last.
-If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
-Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they
find someone else.
Murphy's Laws of sex
-The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with
no hard feelings.
-Nothing improves with age.
-No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never
be quite the same again.
-Sex has no calories.
-Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
-There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
-Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
-No sex with anyone in the same office.
-Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how
long it is going to last.
-A man in the house is worth two in the street.
-If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
-Virginity can be cured.
-When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
-Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
-The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she
can't stand years later.
-Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
-It is always the wrong time of month.
-The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
-When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
-Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
-Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
-The younger the better.
-The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
-It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
-Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
-Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
-There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But
there is nothing exactly like it.
-Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
-Love is a hole in the heart.
-If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space
program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
-Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
-Do it only with the best.
-Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
convey its full meaning.
-One good turn gets most of the blankets.
-You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
-Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
-Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
-Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
-Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
-Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
-A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
couldn't.
-What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
-It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
-Never say no.
-A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
-Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
-Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
-Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
-A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
-Love comes in spurts.
-The world does not revolve on an axis.
-Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
-Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
-Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
-There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
-Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
-Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.