http://townhall.com/columnists/JohnHawkins...ht_be_a_liberal





Friday, August 15, 2008
25 Reasons You Might Be a Liberal
by John Hawkins



With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, you just might be a liberal if...

* You're sure the Constitution explicitly guarantees the right to abortion and gay marriage, but not the right to own a handgun.

* You think Dan Quayle is the dumbest Vice-President we ever had because he believed a flash card that misspelled "potato," but think Obama is a genius despite the fact he believes we have more than 57 states.

* You'd be more upset about your favorite candidate being endorsed by the NRA than the Communist Party.

* You think the same criminals who use guns in the commission of a crime will just hand them over to comply with the law if guns are made illegal.

* You know that 86% of all income taxes are paid by the top 25% of income earners and you still feel that the rich "aren't paying their fair share of the taxes."

* You put a higher priority on oil pipelines possibly inconveniencing a few caribou than you do on lowering the price of gas for everyone in the country by drilling ANWR.

* You're worried that Osama Bin Laden might not get a fair trial if we capture him, but want George Bush thrown in prison for being too zealous in protecting us from Al-Qaeda.

* You get infuriated when you hear about the CEO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions of dollars, but don't see a problem with an actor, basketball player, or trial lawyer making the same amount.

* You're constantly seeing subtle, coded racism in campaign ads, but see nothing racist about blacks being promoted over more qualified white applicants because of Affirmative Action.

* You think it's obscene that oil companies are allowed to make 8.3 cents per gallon in profit with gas prices this high, but would never suggest cutting the 13 cents per gallon they pay on taxes to reduce the price of gas.

* You think George Bush is a chickenhawk because he wanted to fight in Iraq and Afghanistan despite the fact that he only served in the National Guard, but you don't think the same about Barack Obama, who has never served in the military and probably couldn't find either country on a map without help.

* You think protesting outside of abortion clinics is extremism and should be illegal, but carrying around giant puppet heads while wearing a t-shirt that compares Bush to Hitler is just exercising your First Amendment rights.

* You think the case for global warming is proven without a shadow of a doubt, but that we need another century or two worth of evidence to figure out if capitalism and free markets work better than socialism.

* You believe the best way to fix the government screwing something up in the market is with...drumroll, please...more government intervention.

* You think the first thing we should have done when Russia invaded Georgia was to take the matter to the United Nations, where Russia sits on the UN Security Council.

* You spend your days criticizing the use of private jets, SUVS, and luxurious houses that consume enormous amounts of resources and then ride in an SUV to the airport, get on your private plane, and fly home to your luxurious house.

* You have more nice things to say about countries like Cuba and France than you do about your own country.

* You think the war in Iraq is unwinnable, but victory in the war on poverty is going to happen any day now if we can just get the Democrats back in charge.

* You won't even support English as our national language, but can't seem to understand why people worry about tens of millions of illegal aliens changing our culture.

* You think censorship is absolutely wrong; except when it's applied to conservatives on college campuses or on talk radio via the fairness doctrine.

* You get more upset about an American soldier accidentally killing a civilian than you do about a terrorist deliberately blowing up a school bus full of kids.

* You think Fox News is hopelessly biased to the right, but MSNBC, CNN, NBC, ABC, and CBS call it right down the middle.

* You think the real hero of the Cold War was Mikhail Gorbachev.

* You couldn't care less about what Americans in states like Kansas or Virginia think of you, but you would be greatly upset if a Frenchman gave you a dirty look because you're an American.

* You think kids in public schools should have to watch Earth in the Balance and read Heather Has Two Mommies, but no piece of literature with the word "Jesus" on it should be allowed within a hundred yards of a school.

and because of all that, you might deserve to get shot!

I'm bored, so I'm gonna debunk.

1. This guy obviously doesn't understand the difference between "implicit" and "explicit." He also apparently doesn't read the first clause of the Second Amendment.

2. Yes, Obama really believes there are 57 states. Riiiiiiight. A lot of Constitutional Law Professors are real mouth breathers.

3. Somehow gun manufacturers and their proxies are involved in politics?

4. When sporks are outlawed, only outlaws will have sporks! And other specious comparisons!

5. I'd love to see taxes cut for everyone. You know, when we find a way to pay for things. I forgot conservatives think we have OMG infinite monies!

6. Somehow I'm not sure the Inuit would find it a mere "inconvenience." Also not really sure what the plan is when we've wrecked that landscape, taken the oil, and still don't have any idea what to do for power.

7. "Zealous." Hmmm, for someone so concerned with upholding the Constitution, you'd think Georgie's violations of the Fourth, Fifth, and Eighth would be cause for concern. Also, who is suggesting that Osama bin Laden WILL get a fair trial?

8. Yeah, I always talk with my liberal friends about how great a society that worships athletes and movie stars is. It really steams me that teachers are so overpaid, too.

9. Last I checked, Affirmative Action wasn't practiced in public institutions. You probably want government to tell private schools how to run themselves, you dirty Red.

10. What I think is obscene is the environment that conservatives have created where speculators are allowed to artificially inflate the cost of gas so their constituents have trouble going to work.

11. I'll lay 10 to 1 on the map bet. Also, Obama isn't the one starting wars, but nice try.

12. You're suggesting that the latter is not covered under the First Amendment?

13. This one is just mind-boggling. I forgot that in his mind, the only good science is probably done by the private sector. Also, apparently, the only two economic systems are laissez faire and Stalinism, and that if you're not for the former, you must be for the latter. Silly me. The people of South America really loved how capitalism opened their societies up to freedom.

14. The market is perfect. Math says so. Granted, I had to use completely erroneous variables that were copied from Physics, but see, magic! That Keynes guy must have been smoking crack to suggest that the government somehow participates in the economy. But you're right, deregulation is the best way to go. After all, it's given us the CA energy crisis, the mortgage meltdown, and $4/gallon gas. The market works!

15. Russia had a far better case for invading Georgia than we ever had for invading Iraq.

16. Who exactly is he talking about? I don't have any private jets. Are we supposed to get private jets as part of our liberal elitist membership package?

17. You're right. I'm sorry. America is perfect, and saying anything good about other countries is treasonous. How silly that anyone suggest other people occasionally have good ideas.

18. OK I'll bite. How do we "win" the Iraq "war" ? Is it anything like how we could have won Vietnam?

19. America is awesome, but only for whities I guess. Maybe we should stop being so awesome, so no one will want to come here. Or, we could, you know, address the fact that NAFTA has gutted the economies to the South, and that under your glorious market system, they are following their incentives. You can't stop the free market commie!!!

20. You're right. It's unfair to say that conservatives shouldn't be allowed to own every piece of media in the country and use the same talking points at every opportunity. It's not like they have a public duty that might be specified in their license. Oh no, that's more government intervention. Sorry.

21. Accidents are unfortunate. "Accidents" are more often atrocities, which is what I thought we were fighting to prevent. But I guess the only thing wrong with the terrorists is they worship the wrong tribal deity image.

22. You're suggesting one, that FOX is not significantly right of center, and two, that the other corporately-owned stations have leftist biases? Just so we're clear?

23. You're suggesting that the Soviet system wasn't inherently flawed and full of contradictions? You think it had merits? Stalinist!

24. Yes, because I put a great deal of emphasis on caring what people think based on what country they happened to be born in. How open-minded of me.

25. How about a little fire, strawman?

Bubba is a thick neck.
I think that says about enough right there.

Fat, stupid and ugly under the blotched redneck skin is no way to go through life, and being a Connedservative doesn't help either.

The hate from the reichwing is depressing, really.

Especially when it inspires the irrational loathing for these hypocritical pricks and slithering neoconned slobs that I feel.

I still have some really vivid images of the suit and tie Wall Street bankers shouting and spitting at an anti-Vietnam war protest march, and I think it was this prim and proper show of gullible idiots, raw greed and pure unthinking selfishness that made me really look hard at what the propaganda was telling me were "anti-social and disruptive elements" and "communist agitators", and realizing that those "anti-social elements" were right, and the sneering state propaganda and it's suit-and-tie wearing poltroons were wrong, simply a prim and proper version of the gaping mouths of Hell, and the same type of evil that organized death-camps with such wonderful precision and efficiency....Profitability !

Look at the haircut. This guys probly a closet skinhead.

He may be a Redneck, he may watch Nascar, he maybe a bigot, we know by his picture he's white, but we also know thousands of folks read this same articule, copied it and sent it along in the form of an email to their friends who think like him, talk like him, and believe as he does! And these "good ole boys", will get together over a six pack or two and declare this guy to be brillant and "ray of hope to smash these gd-liberal fags, once and for all."

We need to respond to these types not with wit or dripping condension as it would more than likely go over their heads and make them feel stupid. We need to lay on facts on where Obama and the Democratic Party would help their wallets and paychecks, where beer and Nascar could be cheaper for them than under the bullsh*t the Bush crowd has been lying to them all these years!!! Then perhaps, we'd see less of these "screwed up conservatives."

If you are explaining, you are losing. Nobody ever won a war, ball game, or election by playing defense alone.

We don't need witty retorts to lists like this, we don't need to try to appeal to people's intelligence and reasoning. These types of things work because they don't require any post-consumption digestion or reflection, the point is processed, understood, and believed as soon as the words are read. The average American doesn't have time or inclination to read a pages-long essay about each and every issue on the table in this years election.

We need to start writing 25 Things You Must Believe To Be A Conservative and things of that ilk and post it on as many blogs as possible and send it out as emails to our friends for them to pass along.

This election will not be won by who can best energize his base, it will be won or lost by who can best communicate to the masses in the middle.

This is exactly the strategy the McCain camp is counting on. They know he's not very popular with the base, but if they can keep Obama on the defensive so that his message is lost and remind people how (at one time anyway) McCain was an even-handed maverick who put country and principles before himself and his party, then they can appeal to the masses in the middle that are not paying much attention.

I know Democrats like writing eloquent prose on why what they believe is right as opposed to throwing together stupid lists that slam the opponent, but I'd rather do something that I think is below me and win than stick to the intellectual high ground and lose.

I agree Jimmy, We've got to Play dumb to get smart!!!

That's an excellent post Jimmy. When you get the time, why don't you go ahead and write up
"The 25 Things You Must Believe To Be A Conservative"

I think it might be better if we changed the title to "You might be a McCain supporter if..." and then start nailing him on the FACTS of the absurd positions he has taken on Iraq, energy, trade, the economy, torture, you name it. The nice thing is we don't need to be as smarmy or vague as our conservative detractors. In fact, I just might start adding to this list.

I don't have time to compile much of a list, but I'll throw out a few. Feel free to reword them.


You might be a McCain supporter if:

You believe that the confessions of detainees at Gitmo that were arrived at through torture are 100% accurate, but the anti-American propaganda that McCain produced under torture is Viet Nam was just a necessity for his survival and doesn't really say anything about the man's strength.

You believe that being shot down in over Viet Nam is a great accomplishment for a President to base a campaign on, but going from a mixed race childhood in a single parent family, to Harward Law School and President of the Harvard Law Review, to the US Senate is not really that big of a deal.

You believe that high gas prices are the fault of the Democrats in Congress for not doing anything to allow more drilling for the last 18 months, even though the Republicans had 6 years of control of Congress and Bush as President and did nothing about it. The fact that it only comes up when Democrats either control Congress or the Presidency AND it's an election year is mere coincidence.

You believe that America is the greatest country the world has ever seen, but we aren't smart enough, strong willed enough, or willing enough to get ourselves off of oil and on to alternatives.

Post more when you get the time

You might be a McCain supporter is you believe its okay to denigrate your wife by calling her the C word!

You might be a McCain Supporter if you believe that the rich are folks who make over 10 million and folks under 2.5 million are middle class Americans.

You might be a McCain supporter if you feel a person coming from a working-class background is an elitist!

You might be a McCain supporter if you fee the war in Iraq should go on for 100 years.

You might be a McCain supporter who gets social security himself and calls Social Security a "broken system".

I hope these help Jimmy! I will add my own to your list as I think of them, its late and I'm tired! Maybe we should start a new topic and put all of these together and then copy and email the list to all and asundry!!!

Good stuff!

Thanks Toons!

You might be a McCain supporter if you believe that bringing back the Military Draft will help America!

You might be a McCain Supporter if you believe that McCain does not know where his muti-million Dollar properties are?

You are a McCain supporter if you believe that George W. Bush is the greatest president in the history of our country!

You might be a McCain supporter if your anti-gay, anti-Minority, anti- working class, anti-woman, anti-choice, anti-thinking!

You might be a McCain supporter if your afraid of everything and everybody!

You might be a McCain supporter if your anti-Afro/American.

You might be a McCain supporter if your against peace.

You might be a McCain supporter if you believe that only the Old have the knowledge to run this country.

You are a McCain supporter if you hold that Bush is right!

You are a McCain supporter if you believe that only Christians should be in charge. (that lets out Liebermann)!

You are a McCain supporter if you literally help McCain to stand up and not fall down!

You might be a McCain supporter if you believe that senility is a myth!

I'm commuting 2 hours each way to work right now so I have a lot of time to sit and think about these, but I probably forget 90% of the good ones.

...you believe that the guy with 7-10 homes worth more than $13million (one of which was featured in Architectural Digest) and thinks that the cut-off for "rich" is $10million per year salary is just a regular guy, but the guy that made $4million the year before he ran for President is an elitist.

...you reject the idea that the end of the cold war and collapse of the Soviet Union had anything to do with the Soviet Union being stuck in an intractable war in Afghanistan, grotesque internal corruption, and an astronomical debt destroying their economy and instead choose to believe that it magically ended because Ronald Reagan went to Germany and said "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall". As such, you see no problem with the US being stuck in an intractable war in Afghanistan and Iraq, having grotesque internal corruption, or an astronomical debt, so long as that debt and corruption allows the US to build a military sufficiently large enough to start another cold war. (this one is a bit long, but I think it's a big point to get across)

...you believe that, in the name of protecting the country from terrorism, the government should be allowed to eavesdrop on you without getting a prior warrant, because if someone doesn't have anything to hide why would they care if someone eavesdrops. It doesn't bother you that the Gestapo or the KGB made the same argument to justify their eavesdropping.

...you believe that three government bodies in Washington DC that have historically been made up of a majority of men can make a better decision about what is best for woman's health and body than the woman herself can.

...you believe that just because a man climbed on top of a woman and gyrated his hip for a few minutes without using any kind of protection, he should have some say in outcome of that act without any regard of what it will do to the woman's body, her health, or her life.

...you believe that there is a valid reason that a man's opinion has any place in the abortion debate in general.

...you believe that the all life is sacred from the moment a single celled organism bumps into another single celled organism up until the child is born. After that's it should be on it's own to find food, shelter, clothing, health care, and education. If it's parents have made mistakes in life, or are just bad or negligent people, that's just too bad, kid.

...you believe that instead of helping people who cannot afford health insurance or a $100 doctor visit to prevent a problem get that preventive care, it makes more sense to wait until the small problem turns into a big problem that will cost Medicaid and Social Security Disability millions of dollars over the course of the persons life.

...you believe that a man helping a friend get a deal on a house is a sign of corruption, but a former executive turned vice president's former company getting billions of dollars of no-bid contracts in a war that he started is just a case of serendipity.

...you believe that a man that cheated on, then divorced his first wife to marry a billionaire brewing company heiress is a "family values" candidate.


How many is that now???

Jimmy I believe you and I are on a roll!!!Great ideas I really loved the One about "Mr.Gorbochev, tear down this wall!! Thats very pointed and very, very accurate! We need to hit this McCain right between the eyes! Remember the movie with Sean Connery and the guy from Dances with Wolves, and it was called the Untouchables, they were in a church and Sean's character was talking about hitting Capone, and I believe the quote was, " if they beat up one of our guys, send one of their's to the morgue, if one of their's comes at you with a knife, bring out your gun, and do know why Mr. Ness, we would do those things? Because it's the Chicago Way."

We need to do this to out Rove, Rove, non violent to be sure, but on a political street fight way, you betcha!!!!

Upon further reflection, if Obama's Camp could get permission to use this cut from the movie with a picture of McCain and Obama "facing off" with this clip, I believe Americans would come out cheering for Obama and make McCain look like the weasel he is!!!