http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/1/1...7779/681/437656

Huckabee Fixes the Constitution: Bill of Smites
by Meteor Blades
Wed Jan 16, 2008 at 03:15:42 PM PST
In September 1787, when the 55 delegates to the Constitutional Convention finished their work in Philadelphia, George Mason of Virginia was one of the 12 who refused to sign. Too much centralization and no Bill of Rights, Mason said. He had other objections, too, including an even more perversely hypocritical stance on slavery than some of the other Founders. But, having written the Virginia Declaration of Rights, he was passionate for having something similar appended to the Constitution and didn’t give up until the Federalists yielded and added those first 10 amendments.

Imagine for a moment that, instead of merely having Alexander Hamilton penning his objection to the Bill of Rights, Cotton Mather had been born 75 years later and decided to join Hamilton, John Jay and James Madison in crafting The Federalist Papers. How different things might have been.

You don’t have to imagine anymore. Because, as Scout Finch and others pointed out yesterday, we have here in the 21st Century one of the pious Mather’s ideological descendants, GOP presidential contender Mike Dale Huckabee, who is telling audiences on the campaign trail that he wants to alter the Constitution so that it meets "God’s standards."

Fortuitously, I have obtained a copy of what Huckabee has in mind. Sorry, no link, and I can’t tell you how I acquired this document other than to say it came from a well-placed someone. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

BILL of SMITES

Preamble

Faithful and patriotic Americans, having come to realize that our country is going to hell in a hand-basket, and expressing a desire to curtail the degeneracy and wickedness creeping across the land, recognize that salvation requires the prompt ratification of the following Commandments derived from Holy Scripture; that they be inserted before Article I of the Constitution; and upon ratification shall in every case supersede all Articles or Amendments with which they may conflict; and that, moreover and furthermore, every reference in said Constitution to the "United States of America" shall be replaced by the "Dominion of America."

Commandment I

Congress shall strike down the free exercise of any religion that has not been approved by the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation; and at all times prohibit the free speech of atheists, pagans and other blasphemers who deny the Divinity of Our Redeemer; or who say bad words publicly or when eavesdropped on in their homes.

Commandment II

No Senator or Representative shall approve legislation, attend hearings or committee meetings or otherwise appear in the hallowed halls of Congress, not even the lobby, when she is in the midst of her monthlies, for this be unclean; nor shall she return until after the passage of seven days from the onset of this disgusting condition as determined by the sergeant-at-arms of the House of Representatives or such other delegate as shall be chosen by the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation; nor shall any member whose belly be swollen by pregnancy remind us of the act that caused this condition by appearing publicly in any official capacity whatsoever; nor when she has borne the child shall she nurse it within 500 feet of a federal building.

Commandment III

Any state, county, municipality, town, village or settlement which grants licenses for the legal coupling of abomination, whether this be two men together or two women, shall be considered in rebellion against the Dominion of America and occupied forthwith by soldiers, be they military or mercenary; and deprived without delay of all federal budgetary earmarks; and be subject to year-round scolding until such time as it shall publicly recant; and be made to suffer additional repercussions to be determined by the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation.

Commandment IV

The teaching of Darwinism, Big Bang physics, geologic time scales, and any other such ludicrous theories shall not be tolerated no matter what scientists say, even the Christian ones.

Commandment V

No book, film, tape recording, video, DVD, CD, visual or audio download, hologram, or any other digital package in whatever technological format invented prior to the Rapture which fails to obtain a Godly rating from the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation shall be manufactured, shipped, sold, traded, gifted, viewed or listened to excepting only by members of the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation.

Commandment VI

Tax deductions of no kind shall be afforded to people who refuse to say their prayers every day.

Commandment VII

Any woman who does the nasty with a man not her husband shall be delivered to a public place where she shall be put to death by the throwing of rocks or other suitable objects; and the same thing shall be done to a man who does the nasty with a man, or a woman with a woman, or anybody with a dog or a sheep; and the same for a man who does the nasty with another man’s wife, unless the wife is married to the man’s uncle, or to his brother; but any man who forces an unmarried woman without a boyfriend to do the nasty with him must pay her father for damages and marry her and not divorce her forever.

Commandment VIII

No court or classroom or legislature or fire station or restaurant or hotel or health spa or hospital or tavern or movie theater or real estate office or car dealership or tourist dive shall be licensed unless it has prominently posted a copy of the Ten Commandments as given by God to Moses on Mount Sinai, nor shall such copy be smaller than 3 feet by 5 feet.

Commandment IX

People who show up to vote marked by tattoos or strange haircuts, or who have trimmed their beards into roundness, or have shaved their heads, or who wear clothes of mixed textiles shall be disfranchised; and shall lose their eligibility to apply for government-backed student loans; nor shall they be allowed mortgage-interest deductions; and they shall forfeit their Social Security.

Commandment X

People who says bad things about God, as determined by the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation shall be taken to a public place where their mouths will be scrubbed with soap and faithful patriots shall throw rocks and other suitable objects at them until they die.

Commandment XI

No woman who conceives a child shall under any circumstances for any reason, including the prospect of certain death, remove the child or have it removed by any means whatsoever; and any woman who claims that she miscarried shall be physically inspected, have her habits evaluated, and be tested by means of polygraph under the supervision of the most sanctified committee on Fidelity, Uprightness, Behaving And Reeducation, which, if it deems appropriate, shall deliver her up for punishment as set forth in Commandment VII.

Commandment XII

The 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments to the Constitution are hereby repealed. Slavery is okay. The Bible says so.