Early Morning Jokes
by Tony Peyser
"Buzzy" Krongard, the brother of embattled State Department Inspector General "Cookie" Krongard, quit as an adviser to Blackwater Worldwide last Friday. This came after the relationship with the security contractor was criticized by a Congressional committee. In related "Buzzy" and "Cookie" news, Rep. Henry Waxman announced he has a new nickname: "Waxy."
Young Pakistanis are turning to the Web for protest. It's going to be harder for President Musharraf to keep them all in line when they're all online.
A British court ruled that Abu Hamza al-Masri can be extradited to the United States. He's the radical Muslim cleric who has one eye and a hook. al-Masri will try to avoid extradition to America so he can finish appearing in a London revival of "Peter Pan" opposite Cathy Rigby.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that unless Congress passes funding for the Iraq war within days, he will direct the Army and Marine Corps to begin developing plans to lay off employees and terminate contracts early next year. Well, that's ... a start.
Democratic presidential candidate Bill Richardson got his fifth Nobel Prize nomination. He hasn't won yet, which makes him the Susan Lucci of peace.
Government investigators smuggled explosives and detonators past airport security, exposing an alarming hole in the nation's ability to keep these forbidden items off of airplanes. But they were able to stop other potential terrorists whose carry-on luggage included such dangerous contraband as Old Spice, Visine, and breast milk.
That 58,000-gallon spill in San Francisco is driving down interest in crab found in local waters. However, some are suggesting massive amounts of vinegar should be poured alongside the oil, which could be scooped up and later sold as vinaigrette.
Speaking of San Francisco, home run king Barry Bonds was indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice. He could face prison for lying to a federal grand jury about performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds insisted his head became big just because he lets the many compliments he gets go there.
And finally: popular young actress Keira Knightley defended her decision to sue the Daily Mail after the British newspaper insinuated that she was an anorexic. With this lawsuit, some legal experts claim Knightley is skating on fat ice.
