Following are the winners of the Washington Posts's Mensa Invitational, which, once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by either adding or subtracting a single letter, then supply a definition for the newly formed word:

1. Cashtration (n) - The act of buying a house, thus rendering one financially impotent for an indefinite period.
2. Ignoranus - A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication - Euphoria experienced upon recieving a tax refund, but lasting only until one realizes it was their money to begin with.
4. Reintarnation - Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n) - Invisible substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy - Any misrepresentation of one's self for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti - Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte - To take coffee intravenously when one is running late.
10. Hipatitis - Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis - A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon - It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and, dude, it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n) - The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido - All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect - The tendency for stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at one rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n) - The frantic dance performed just after one has accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n) - Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n) - The color one turns after finding half a worm in the fruit they're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words:

1. coffee (n) - the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted (adj) - appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate (v) - to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade (v) - to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly (adj) - impotent.
6. negligent adj - absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph (v) - to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle (n) - olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence (n) - emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash (n) - a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle (n) a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude (n) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster (n) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. frisbeetarianism (n) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck.
16. circumvent (n) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Excellent!


I had to print and post this list for future use.