Heh heh!


Here's some useless and some tasteless humor.....but I'm an easy laugh, as they say.
I'm so NON-PC, I know, I know. Send my hate mail via PM.




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JACK'S HANGOVER:

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didnt even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $ 4.20
Two Aspirins $ .38
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless!!!

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"When you have fat friends there are no seesaws, only catapults." - Demetri Martin

"I married a younger man. Five years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise one." --Unknown

"Doctor, my left leg is giving me a lot of pain."
"Oh, It's just old age."
"But my right leg is as old, and that doesn't hurt at all!"


A memorandum is not written to inform the reader but to protect the writer. (Dean Acheson)

"The penalty of success is to be bored by people who used to snub you." (Nancy Astor, First female member of the British Parliament )
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Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills. At the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.

He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious in a big way, although I don't quite understand it. One week he hangs out with Catholics, and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ. And now he has been going to the gym an awful lot, and is into wearing uniforms and cowboy outfits, and I hate to think what that means.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

DEAR LOST: Stop whining, Laura. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for four more years!



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Daffinitions:

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. [i can do that!]

CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
[I'm so glad OTHER people do this too!]

PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.



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Odds and ends:

To one side of the aisle life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

We must never confuse elegance with snobbery.

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.

The stupidity of men always invites the insolence of power.

Conscience is the sentinel of virtue.

Courage follows action.


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Miscellaneous shorties:


In the Science Museum in Washington's capital the various rooms are named for famous scientists. The Men's Rest Room is the Olympia Newton John.

Only in America do we have a General in charge of the post office and a Secretary in charge of defense.

Food Puns: A Pennsylvania farmer with relatives in Germany heard that a food package he had sent them had never arrived. Putting a brave face on things, he assured them, "Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come."

What do you say to a chicken before she goes on stage? "Break an egg!"

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.


Rodney Dangerfield says, "I had a secretary so lousy, she couldn't get the hang of Post-it Notes. One day she got a letter from Ringling Brothers Clown College announcing that she has won a prize for her original make-up.

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THE NAME GAME - (old as dirt ones):

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

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The hesitant out-of-state driver, waiting for traffic to clear, came to a complete stop on a freeway ramp. The traffic thinned but the intimidated driver still waited.

Finally an infuriated voice yelled from the car behind, "The sign says to yield, not to give up."